What a week

Wow... I have had sp much to do. New hobbie, which I can manage, what ever happens. I have playd billiard and snooker whole week. I bought my own cue. And I am so excited. And happy also. I have been working out also allmost every day. So with those goals, I am in my timetable. 

I haven't been working like a week now, anything else than office stuff ofcourse. It feels good. Now I have energy to do other stuff, and I don't have that much pain. So it seems good thing to quit working in haevy restaurant work, and reather do something lighter And have energy to go gym. 

I had so grate workout other day in Seinäjoki, where I am now spending my sparetime. Now I can consentrate only to myself. 

Today I am enjoying some wine and tomorrow back to work. And I guess back to workout. 

#work

Yesterday was awsome at work. We had Italian styly culinary class here. It is so funny, when you but 8 non-professionall so called chefs in same kirchen. And at the same time it is so amazing, how people who have made so little food before, with proper intructions, turn out to be pretty fucking good in kitchen. Like yesterdays group, made Italian cuisine: risotto, hand made pasta and tiramisu, and everything tasted really good. And everyone knows that it is not easy to nail risotto, they did it, no questions asked. Even I usually fuck up risotto. 

Today I started my day with a little workout with wineboxes. Good and usefull. Now allready having a coffeebrake and it is not even 9am. Later today we are having another culinary class, this time about lamb. Can't wait.

Laters.

Workout at home

This is kind of getting frustrating, not to be able to trein at gym. And only doing some basic workout at home. Have to get creative, not to become bored, And have some kind of a variety of moves and so on. Gladly medicine is kicking in, so hopefully next week I get to go to real gym. But at this point my hometreining has to be enough. And well it is making some difference. My hands and legs are still a bit shaky, And I believe that tomorrow I will feel this on my abs also.

So working out at home, it is not that easy as you might think. Well you can always do normal push-ups and stuff, but if you have done that for past months, you have to have some kind of variety. Push-ups with one hand for example, those were so great. And yet those felt in whole body. 

I have done so many squats that I have lost a track of those. Using my bed as help I did some kind of treining for my front and back of the thighs. And ofcourse there is always those squats, what would treining be without those.

Just Happy that this lack of treining properly is not making me fall to much behind. 

Tomorrow a new day. More work than workout coming on. 

Rest of the week I am going to concentrate to work more, but going to continue treining with all passion next week. Now when energy is low, you just have to prioritize. 

Have a Nice and lovely weekend.

Tomorrow more about work stuff than workout.

a new opportunity

So here is the thing, on monday I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis... And that is the thing that will change pretty much my whole life. New diet, new rhythm for life, schedule for my treining will change... And then my work, that is too physical... Maeby not at first, but at some point I'm not able to do everything, as I'm doing now. Honestly it is a big shock for me, cause I love my job And treining. And also I think that I have lost enough for this six month period allready. Just have to believe, that on some point life will give again something. 

But have to stay positive, that medicine will work and I don't have to change all the big and most important things. Gladly I have the best enviroment at work, And they are so supportive to me. Also my friends have helpped allready so much, I don't know how to thank them. I love them.

But as long as I can do my workout, I am doing it. And I battle that this "little" pumb on the road will not stop me. I have my goals, and I will get there... Maeby I just have to take another route to get there. 

time for new plans

It is funny how everything can turn upside down in just a few seconds. I have been having problems with my helth like past six months or so, well now we know what the problem is. Only downside in this is, that I have to start some carreer planing. I have been doing this past ten years and kind a nothing else ever... Now the big question is, that what I am going to do, when I grow up?
Good suggestions can be left here.

And also this makes all the treining a bit harder than before. I am not giving up though. But this makes it different. I have to change my diet dramaticly and also my treining methods. Ofcourse I have some medical help all the way, so nothing is inpossible... Positive mind makes you go all the way, or some extra miles.

Maeby some more positive note blogging later, when I really have realized everything. At this point, in the end, it feels like someone pulled the rug under you.

Hugs.

Having fun

Today has been great day. First I got up early and went running. Still here at Ilmajoki, so nice country weather And sunny morning to be outside. Loving it. 

Afterwards I went to watch Ilmajoki Floorball team play, well that didn't go well at all, but I enjoyed. Kind of started to miss playing my self. Maeby I will do my comeback. Yet bought so cool beanie :) have to wear this still we have beanie wether. 

After floorball game I went to do my usuall workout... Today I felt a bit of. It was not as easy ang good wibe as usually. Tomorrow I have day of, so will see after that how it is going. There is still time...

Now planning to go Seinäjoki, see some oldies goldies friends <3

You gays have a grate evening... I know I will.

About trust

At first hand, now that my so called relationship ended, I thought that I will never trust anyone again. Well that is kind of a true, it will be hard to trust again. But more importantly I am afraid of trusting my self. Trusting my self not to do same mistake, than with him. Trusting on my opinion of my self and not be affected by someone with their own agenda.

I got lost there for a moment. Gladly I had so great friends, who were there pulling me back to my own ways and own life. And well that I can trust, that they won't let me fall again that bad. Also I think that, now I have too much pride and love towards my self, that I wouldn't let anyone trash me again.

Best part is that you know, you can trust your friends more than your self at moments. Also beeing able to say how good it feels to be finally free, feels incredible. And I have to say, I am not saying all gays are shit and stuff. Just met that really bad one. 

Now it is all about me. And things that I love. Even though those might seem stupid. Summer of rap music, Finnish baseball, working out and friends. My kind of hippie!

With motivation u can do anything

Good feeling still going on. Yesterday I came to my parents place at Ilmajoki. Today it was nice to get up and go running, in fresh air and country side.

Afterwards I did really hard workout, my body is still shaking. 

Now some food and relaxing.

I thougt that I would go see some "nightlife" at Seinäjoki today. Well that I guess is nothing today, but we will see.

Spring is here

Just had to say this... So awsome weather here. Sunny and air is so fresh. Lovely to run outside 5km. Well there is a bit windy, but it didn't slow me down. 

Have a Nice day. 

about relantioships

Where to even begin. Well it is easy to let go, when you realize, that the other didn't care about you. Or more importantly didn't respect you as much as you did him. When my ower year lasted relationship ended, I first thought that there is no way further... well I thought that for one day. Then I understood that I was better of him. Whole time that I did spend with him, I slowly came another person. My friends did notice that, and said like hundreds of times about it... I didn't listen. I was so in love with that lie, that I couldn't see or believe, what they were saying. Gladly finally, there happened that kind of things, that i couldn't shut my eyes anymore, and I just had to let go.

Letting go in the end felt so good.... and so liberating. It was like I could finally breathe again and hear my own voice. I haven't felt this good with my self in ower an year. I am like smiling all the time like I used to and really have fun. It is so great to get your life back on track and have your freedom to do things you love. And you doesn't have to feel insecure about everything.

But afterwards it is sad to think about your self, how narcissistic person can flip your whole world around and make from strong person the most insicure woman in the world. How I did abandon all my friends that didn't like the gay, and saw what he was doing from the beginning. How I stopped doing things I before him loved doing, because he didn't like those. How I tried do everything to please him, but never succeeded in that. All and all I think with narcissist like that, there is no happy ending... not with him... but when you get your self out of that relationship, you can become the most happy person in the world.

When you love a lie, it easy to let go. Because when the lie ends, love ends.

And in the end... I have to apologize all my dear friends that have been there for me, even though I have only pushed them away. I am so glad to have them in my life, for supporting me.
Love you Elisabeth and Mr. Big.

Nice Monday

It is so nice ans sunny here. It is easy to get motivated to go running. 

New week and new start in so many ways. I have to say, I don't remember when I have been this Happy!

Feels like monday

I have felt whole day like monday. And I guess spoken so to few customers. No wonder they have looked me like a crazy person. 

All though I had good morning workout today. Felt really good, Nice easy breazy running. It helpt me to think other things than Troll. (Troll beeing the gay that broke me) 

This week is going to be the hardest of all, but I just have to concentrate on me And work.

Saturday luckyday

So today I have rough day at work. Three different shifts ahead. First at Villa Hakkari doing some office stuff, after this I go to Bistro Le Pot as server, and night I will spend in Fat Lady as a bartender. This is going to be fun day, and also I think I will need all the coffee I can get.
It is funny, how 5 years ago this kind of work amount would have just went so easily by, but now... It is going to be battle to go thru.

But next week I go to school, see my friends at Helsinki, and most importantly: have time for myself.

To some action

So this is where I start, And the end is unknown, but I feel good. I am determined to get my goal by the end of may.

Wish me luck And push me forward!

Stop asking

I have been just dragging my self in past and all the nagative things. Now it is just time to go forward. I have tried everything that I can, to make things right, or even better, but it wont work. I think I am going to freak, if even one comes to tell me, that everything is going to be better. How can she / he know? No-one even has really time to listen what is going on, or then understand how it is affecting me. So that is why, I can say, that it is not going to be ok. When someone shatters your heart, you can´t fix it alone.
I just don't want anyone to come telling me what should I do, and what should I feel. I just want someone to unredstand and just be there.

Day One

So today I will officially start writing again. Or even try to do that.
Who am I?
I am 28 years old bartender / floor manager from Tampere, or that is the place where I live right now. I have been moving around my whole adult life, so I don´t really know where I am from anymore.
In any case, most of my time I am working, I don't really have any hobbies, but that is something I am going to change now. I have always been interrested of sports and had so many different sport hobbies. This past 6 months just have been so crazy in all ways, that I have kind of lost myself and everythig that ment something to me. My helth has been so bad, I have had big problems with my economy and after all that stress and worrying I lost my love.
So now I kind of have nothing, but in the end I have everything. Even though it hurts like hell, and everything has fall down, I have clean canvas, and I can do what the hell I want to do now. Just focus my work, get a new hobby and  what ever.... I don't even know yet.
I just learned the most important thing by far. That even though the person that means everything to me, does not appreciate me at all, it does not mean that I should not appreciate me myself.

And by that said, now I am going to start to live for myself.
I don't need anyone else to do that for me.

Time to start again

Now it is time to start everything all over again.

Today I am going to watch some football and scream BARCA!

Tomorrow somethig serious then.